Showing posts with label Breastfeeding. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Breastfeeding. Show all posts

So this is what that mommy guilt feels like

Friday, September 10, 2010
Looking back on my pregnancy, I feel like I was so naïve on so many things, especially Breastfeeding!
Having had an unplanned emergency c-section (birth story coming soon), breastfeeding was extremely difficult for me. It took nine days for my milk to come in and the first nurse assigned to me post-delivery was not knowledgeable on breastfeeding so that didn’t help matters either.

I think it took 2 weeks to get Aaron to latch properly and get the hang of breastfeeding. The first 2 weeks were extremely difficult because I truly felt like a failure. While pregnant, breastfeeding was really the only choice for me. I mean on my baby registry, I didn’t even register for bottles, I registered for a pump and a slew of bf accessories. So I was completely unprepared at how "unnatural" it seemed to be for me at first. I mean it seemed so easy & natural for others, so what was wrong with me!?

I am proud to say that we did we finally get the hang of breastfeeding and I enjoyed it! I found it calmed me down to be able to do something that only I can do for my baby. The problem was when I returned to work when Aaron was 14 weeks. The first couple weeks weren’t that bad, I was able to go to the “Mother’s Room”, as it’s called, 3 times a day for a good 15-20 minutes at a time. I would bring my laptop down and answer emails as I pumped away, but as the weeks went on, my office was in the middle of renovations, we had staff turnover, we have an annual meeting coming, I was lucky if I was able to pump twice a day. I then noticed a huge decrease in my supply and had to once again, supplement with formula!

So this week at 4.5 months, after my supply just kept going down and down and having a frustrated baby who didn’t want to take to the breast anymore, I threw in the towel. I just couldn’t deal with the stress anymore! After all a happy mama means a happy baby right?? Well then why do I feel so guilty!!!! Sigh.

I went ahead, packed up my PIS, and put it away for baby #2. :(

You have been good to us! Sniff Sniff

At least I can say I know what not to do/what to do for the next baby. At least I can say I gave it a good 4.5 months. At least I can say I am proud I didn't give up right away. But I still feel like a failure! I still feel guilty! I still have the tears! I know time will heal this process but WOW! I was not ready for all these feelings on breastfeeding! I am glad that I care this much! I am glad that this experience has served as motivation to help others, how? I don't know yet but I will find a way.

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