So this is what that mommy guilt feels like

Friday, September 10, 2010
Looking back on my pregnancy, I feel like I was so naïve on so many things, especially Breastfeeding!
Having had an unplanned emergency c-section (birth story coming soon), breastfeeding was extremely difficult for me. It took nine days for my milk to come in and the first nurse assigned to me post-delivery was not knowledgeable on breastfeeding so that didn’t help matters either.

I think it took 2 weeks to get Aaron to latch properly and get the hang of breastfeeding. The first 2 weeks were extremely difficult because I truly felt like a failure. While pregnant, breastfeeding was really the only choice for me. I mean on my baby registry, I didn’t even register for bottles, I registered for a pump and a slew of bf accessories. So I was completely unprepared at how "unnatural" it seemed to be for me at first. I mean it seemed so easy & natural for others, so what was wrong with me!?

I am proud to say that we did we finally get the hang of breastfeeding and I enjoyed it! I found it calmed me down to be able to do something that only I can do for my baby. The problem was when I returned to work when Aaron was 14 weeks. The first couple weeks weren’t that bad, I was able to go to the “Mother’s Room”, as it’s called, 3 times a day for a good 15-20 minutes at a time. I would bring my laptop down and answer emails as I pumped away, but as the weeks went on, my office was in the middle of renovations, we had staff turnover, we have an annual meeting coming, I was lucky if I was able to pump twice a day. I then noticed a huge decrease in my supply and had to once again, supplement with formula!

So this week at 4.5 months, after my supply just kept going down and down and having a frustrated baby who didn’t want to take to the breast anymore, I threw in the towel. I just couldn’t deal with the stress anymore! After all a happy mama means a happy baby right?? Well then why do I feel so guilty!!!! Sigh.

I went ahead, packed up my PIS, and put it away for baby #2. :(

You have been good to us! Sniff Sniff

At least I can say I know what not to do/what to do for the next baby. At least I can say I gave it a good 4.5 months. At least I can say I am proud I didn't give up right away. But I still feel like a failure! I still feel guilty! I still have the tears! I know time will heal this process but WOW! I was not ready for all these feelings on breastfeeding! I am glad that I care this much! I am glad that this experience has served as motivation to help others, how? I don't know yet but I will find a way.


Jules said...

Nobody told me how much it would HURT to breastfeed! Luckily my girls latched on easily because if I had to deal with that on top of the pain? I don't know if I could have gone through with it! I think you're awesome for toughing it out as long as you did!
I'm a new follower from MBC by the way! I'd love for you to swing by my blog sometime if you like! :)
~Jules @

And then there was Anna... said...

Thanks!. I will def. stop by your blog! :)

Lisa Ladrido said...

Hi Anna! Great post. I remember after my C/S when our baby latched on for the first time how it hurt so badly. Thankfully I was able to tolerate it eventually!

Our youngest son just nursed for a few months like yours did and then he just wasn't interested. Not sure why.

As mommas it is normal to feel guilty, however I wish we didn't do that to ourselves.

If men were mothers they wouldn't feel guilty about anything!!

Take care and thanks for stopping by my blog too! ~Lisa

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